When I first discovered I was pregnant, apart from being in
love with the idea of having a baby growing inside of me, I was totally amazed
about how it had an impact on my body, but never my boobs!! My belly grew, but
my boobs didn’t. My feet became swollen but my boobs didn’t. The Midwife was
never bothered when I mentioned it to her, she kept saying, it will kick in when
required.
However after 50 plus hours of traumatic labour, this is the
only I can describe my labour, I gave birth to my beautiful little boy. I was
completely overwhelmed. I was asked my preference about breast feeding when I
entered the labour suite and I was completely in favour of breast feeding. It
had never even entered my mind that it wouldn’t happen. So, after his birth,
Sam was latched on and he suckled naturally. The Midwife showed me how to put
him back on if he became unattached, which I did. It wasn’t easy but I did it
with a little bit of help from Ali.
I went home in a new Mum bubble and kept attempting to latch
my baby, but my goodness he was a grumpy baby. I tried to use a breast pump but
nothing arrived. After three days, I was still getting no milk but the health
professionals didn’t seem bothered. They said my latch was good but I knew my
baby was hungry. I wasn’t leaking, they weren’t sore, they felt like normal non
pregnant boobs. Absolutely nothing was coming through.
Eventually I called the Children’s Centre and begged for
help. A breast feeding support worker was sent out to help me. She was fab, she
sat with me and Sam and talked me through breast feeding. She saw Sam latch on
but how he would realise that he wasn’t get anything. She asked me to use the
breast pump but nothing. Eventually she confirmed my worst nightmare, my boobs
had failed me.
I felt like the worst mother ever. I had failed my baby, I wasn’t
able to do something that my body should have done naturally. My baby was
hungry and he was living on nothing. At first, I cried. Ali told me that it wasn’t
my fault but there was no way I could believe him. He drove me to Mothercare
and I stood completely numb in the carpark. We bumped into some friends who had
yet to meet Sam but I felt so low I remember walking away and leaving Sam with
Ali. He was being the proud Dad and showing off his baby but I couldn’t watch.
I felt so low.
We ended up spending a small fortune on bottles, sterilisers,
milk etc as I had nothing. I should have been feeding my baby from my own boobs
not a bottle.
I remember how Sam gagged on the first bottle. He was just
so hungry, but it didn’t stay in his tummy for long, he threw it back up, it
went everywhere and smell was disgusting. I didn’t blame him for throwing back
up.
Eventually, he started to slow down on the bottle and
realised that they came when he demanded. He was still grumpy but he soon
started to fill up his tummy which enabled him to sleep.
It took me months to come to terms with the fact that I was
bottle feeding my baby. Everyone seemed to ask how the feeding was going and I
would have to admit that I was bottle feeding. I still feel guilty whenever
health professionals ask if he was breast or bottle fed and I always go on to
say “bottle fed as I didn’t get any breast milk” People stare at you when you
breast feeding but they also stare at you when you bottle feed.
So please remember that bottle feeding may be essential not
a choice.
When I was pregnant with Oliver, my boobs again stayed the
same, so I talked it through with Ali and we decided to see if anything
happened during the pregnancy or birth but we would be prepared with bottles of
milk in stock and ready to go if not, I vowed to feed my baby.
Again with Oliver my boobs failed, I had nothing, no breast
milk at all. I have talked to health professionals about it and they couldn't
seem to find any reason why I didn’t get any, for me it just didn’t happen.
So please if you see someone bottle feeding please don’t think
that they are against breast feeding, it might simply be their only choice.
Sorry I will stop my ranting now. x
Really interesting and insightful post - I wasn’t aware it was national breastfeeding week - tricky for those who aren’t able to like you say. I used to work for a parenting service for people with LD and they often used to find it hard to breastfeed and people looked down on them thinking they had chosen not too, not that they weren’t able too. Good reminder that for some it’s not an option.
ReplyDeleteAww I’m so sorry that you had such a bad experience. I had a massive infection when my son was two and a half weeks and had to stop which broke my heart. We started formula but it wasn’t what I wanted and Freddie never gave up searching for the breast. He became constipated with formula which made me feel worse so I did some research and started pumping ridiculously. He’s now 10 Weeks old and I’m back to feeding him 3 times a day as well as formula. Wherever I am whether I’m breastfeeding or bottle feeding people have an opinion on it. I’ve stopped feeling offended by the remarks but it’s quite crap that we have to put up with it. Why do people even need to ask how your feeding your baby?
ReplyDelete